One of my first impressions of Berkeley culture was that the people naturally seemed to lean into their self expression. There were so many colorful outfits, niche clubs, and just an overall sense of “This is who I am”. It was absolutely exciting to witness but also felt so distant from my past experiences where differences were isolating.
When I first came to Berkeley, it was definitely hard to open up to people. I had just left a small high school with 400 people total which made every face recognizable. In a sense, I kind of forgot how to build meaningful relationships from scratch. The first few days were essentially meeting all my floormates and learning how to not get lost in Berkeley. But due to a stroke of luck, and being a little brave, my roommate and I invited another girl in our orientation group to hang out in our dorm together. Things started out a smidge awkward since it was the first time we spent time as a small group. As we got to know each other better, one of us had the brilliant idea to sing songs from the Hamilton soundtrack. Looking back, I’m almost certain someone heard faint singing from the hallway. While younger me would have definitely cringed at the thought of someone hearing me sing so poorly, it no longer strikes me as something to feel embarrassed about.
I knew that coming to Berkeley meant I had to let go of many things but I didn’t expect how much it challenged me on how I “should” be. While my past experiences pointed me to the idea that I should be embarrassed if someone heard me sing off key, in the moment I prioritized connecting with those around me rather than what a potential passerby might have thought.
Before coming to college, I had grown my hair out because I thought that it was how I “should” look in this new stage of life. But I found the length and colored hair to be overwhelming. I started cutting it shorter and shorter in an attempt to reduce the amount of time and energy I spent on taking care of it. My first few cuts were just bobs (or more so lobs), which was familiar but also felt boring after a few months. As the boredom accumulated, I couldn’t resist the thought of trying something entirely different. I scrolled through Pinterest looking for haircuts, researched a few hairdressers before setting my foot down and decided to chop off the bob to reveal a new hairstyle. Or at least that’s how I hoped the story would go.
Instead, I debated over months on a haircut I had my eye on since high school, looking through endless reference pictures and salons trying to find one that was perfect. Part of my indecision was because I didn’t want a bad haircut. Who wants that? But there was an underlying sense of uncertainty in myself and how others would see me. I was worried that I would look silly or an off brand version of myself. After a few months of battling with myself, I finally gave in to my own curiosity. I got tired of thinking of how other people would perceive me so I stuck with my gut and went for the haircut.
Although the change was physical, it brought me closer to understanding my self identity and self expression. I had always thought that self identity was about knowing exactly who you are, but with everything I’ve seen and done at Berkeley, I’ve realized it’s about experimenting and challenging some of your own beliefs on how you should be.