After having just completed my first year here at UC Berkeley, there’s so much I could say about the various adjustments, challenges, and questions that stood before me that were unprecedented. Coming from a high school with a magnificent humanities writing program that fostered my ability to write, think critically, and find liberation through communication and literature, I felt nervous entering the STEM-oriented nature of the College of Chemistry as a Chemical Biology major. At first, it all felt like a dream, being able to study at such a prestigious college that is world-renowned and known for its countless breakthroughs in the field of chemistry, but then this awe soon turned into fear after my first week of class. Before entering college, the only impression I had about the College of Chemistry was from information I had found online from countless forums. Many had a lot of positive things to say about the small undergraduate student body, as it allowed for a tight-knit community where everyone knew one another and bonded over the difficulty of classes everyone had to take. Ultimately, all the forums were right about the size of the college as my year has around 200 students, which comes with the perks of having no difficulty meeting with your advisor, having smaller lecture halls for chemistry, and finding resources unique to the college, either that be in career advising, tutoring, research opportunities, or alumni talks.
Once I started taking my first-year classes and looking at my future course outline, the endless amount of science and math classes threw me off. I wondered whether I would be at a disadvantage in comparison to my peers with a strong STEM background and whether I aligned with what a “typical” College of Chemistry student was like. I felt different from my peers. Essentially, I was afraid of failing and proving to myself that I wasn’t meant to be there at all. That I didn’t belong. It was during my first year at UC Berkeley that I had been consumed by an insurmountable amount of self-doubt that I had ever experienced before. I felt unfamiliar with myself, as self-doubt seemed to subconsciously prevail within me. I knew there were layers as to why I kept feeling this way, but I wasn’t sure how this could be effectively unpacked in order to feel myself again. I felt unseen at that point in time, and without even knowing it, I longed for an opportunity to communicate my thoughts.
It was after getting hired to be a campus ambassador and starting my training that I really had to force myself out of my comfort zone whether I liked it or not. I have always been an extroverted person, but at the start of my first year I often found myself resorting to the comfort of closing myself off because it felt like the easiest thing to do at the time. I had never developed such habits, which further caused me to feel unfamiliar with myself because I started losing what had once made me so comfortable within my skin: my ability to communicate and form connections with others and find fulfillment in doing so. Thus, it was through my campus ambassador training that this door to who I had always been was reopened and re-introduced into my life.
My campus ambassador training required me to raise my voice, remain assertive, and carry myself confidently when practicing my tour script speech, and this was a stark contrast to my timid self then. Even if it felt difficult to do so at the moment, it was the reinforcement I needed at the time. I never felt alone in the process of training, either because of the cohort of trainees I was in. Everyone was so different from one another, as we all came from different countries, different backgrounds, had different passions, and held different stories, yet we all shared the discomfort of trying something new, of being a tour guide and campus ambassador. I resonated a lot with my cohort group, and it was the best form of exposure I could have had in terms of the UC Berkeley community that goes beyond just the small College of Chemistry.
It was through being a campus ambassador that I relearned the beauty of embracing the feeling of being different, and I appreciated how liberating it felt to reclaim the individualism that makes someone “different”. I loved how different each of my fellow campus ambassadors was from one another as I got to learn more about them through their various life stories, whether that be personal stories or stories about their experiences as UC Berkeley students. Consequently, it didn’t take me long to realize how much I needed to appreciate my own efforts and unique identity the same way I had admired my coworkers’ stories of how they got to UC Berkeley.
I became determined to embrace this energy and belief in my tours, and it became easier and easier to communicate my most genuine emotions, thoughts, experiences, and knowledge as a student and campus ambassador, the more tours I gave. As I remained transparent, welcoming, and interactive with all of my tour groups, I felt more and more comfortable representing the College of Chemistry as an informational resource to any prospective students who may have been unfamiliar with the College the same way I once was. Tours gave me a platform to speak my truth as a student in the College of Chemistry, a small community on campus that still holds students like myself and that deserve to be recognized and represented.
Consequently, I became evermore determined to implement bits of my experiences as a College of Chemistry student as someone who holds immense admiration and appreciation for all the faculty and staff in the department, despite how challenging it felt to find my place within the College at first. I tell my story of being a first-generation college student feeling constantly challenged as a Latina in STEM at UC Berkeley, but I also remind my groups of the importance of navigating identity, purpose, and the importance of self-care, whether that be making time to hang out with or call loved ones, picking up a traditional dance group like I did, keeping fulfilling hobbies close to who you are, coming out of your comfort zone, or simply taking those days where you can simply just exist and not think too much about where you are in life. I hope all prospective students know, whether it be first-generation students or first-year College of Chemistry students, that it is okay to allow yourself to simply exist on the days when you genuinely need a breather.
Tours have allowed me to silence any noise or thoughts that make me feel self-doubt because of how much I love speaking to visitors. I fall into a flow state when I share things I love talking about. It is in these moments that I forget about what had made me feel different in the first place, and I am reminded of how nice it is to embrace my individualism and simply live for myself and what I love. With such a takeaway, I hope I can provide a decent example of how College of Chemistry students are, students who make time to do the things they love, while working hard in the field of Chemistry, a field that brings us excitement, curiosity, and provides us with a rewarding essence. With every tour I give, I feel empowered, excited to show my bubbly self, and also at ease at the same time. There’s so much power in being able to deliver a story, joke, or informational line knowing every word I’ve spoken comes meaningfully from within and speaks true to me and who I am.